Disappointment

This blog was founded on the idea that I have things to say worth listening to. Over the past few weeks I have discovered that these things are not "rah-rah" speeches or a pedantic list of things you should do to get on your way. This is because I realized that... Well, I really don't know.

I know all the basics of auditioning--have well marked music for your accompanist, a Five that are so well-rehearsed you can sing them in your sleep, a dynamite dress that is memorable, modest, and accompanied by the right underpinnings, and a resume that looks delicious.

I was finally confronted this month with the fact that I don't know it all. That my knowledge isn't enough. The voice and the talent that breezed me right through undergrad and grad school and all manner of community productions are not enough anymore. Somewhere along the line, I listened a little too well and polished myself to a high gloss without bothering to tackle the stuff below the sheen.

High off of an incredibly successful grad career I expected doors to keep opening without a terribly huge amount of effort. I told myself not to expect much but really was looking for the world to just fall at my feet.

I have learned that it doesn't quite work that way, and I am on my way to discovering that that is a very good thing. This is the thing that makes this blog a little different--I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not. I need more core in my sound, I need a better Five, I need yet another coat of polish. I need to be memorable and not merely competent. We'll be discovering the how of that together along the line, and I have every intention of sharing. For now, though, we'll start at the very beginning.

***

I've been germinating the idea of a professional blog for a long time, but it never seemed to be the right moment. I never knew how anonymous I wanted it to be. The events of the last month made me realize that I want it to be completely anonymous so you can know me better. It needs to be completely anonymous so I can say what I have to say and not censor myself. It needs to be completely anonymous so I can tell you what I never, ever want any employer to know. In short, that I am not perfect.

This month I did my first "real" audition season. I applied to every summer program and YAP that I could, I bought three audition dresses, spent all semester polishing my rep, and at the height of the semester did all my work weeks early to leave school to audition for everyone who would hear me. In total, I believe I was heard by about twelve programs--an excellent start.

Results started coming in. My best friend was accepted into the Rolls-Royce of summer programs, her roommate was wait-listed at the Ferrari of Summer Programs, my ex-roommate was accepted at a mid-level program to cover two roles that I desperately love. The days have ticked by and I have no calls. There is a somewhat happy ending--I was wait-listed at a mid-level program and so I am quite hopeful that perhaps something else might happen for me, but the point to this is not my status in terms of having something to do this summer.

No, the point is what not having the outside validation of having a program accept me did to me. I was devastated. Somehow, somewhen I had begun expecting things. I had started to think that things were owed me as a singer. I've seen it happen to people around me and been disgusted by it but had never thought to look for it in myself. Well, I turned around a week ago and there it was. Suddenly, I expected validation to the point where it actually threatened how I saw myself.

Well, okay. It threatened how I saw myself for a day or two, then I mentally smacked myself and remembered that I am fantastic and just need to be more so. There are thousands of sopranos with high notes out these, so I need a little more work to stand out. That's not a bad or shameful thing, and I shouldn't need other people to bolster my ego. That's one of my goals, even beyond the technical work I have to do--rely on interior feedback.

It's also something that I think everyone in the profession has to address at one time or another. It is such a delicate balance keeping your head right in this game. Keeping your ego and self-esteem at a level which keeps you positive and insulated to small blows can often explode into an unmanageable ego. Instead of being hopeful, a person can become entitled. It's a very real danger and it makes for a bad artist. People who feel entitled to things don't feel the need to change and grow so they can deserve them; they just sit and let stuff fall into place. I'm aiming at growing a little extra humility this year and seeing where it gets me. Real humility: not the false modesty that keeps a person endlessly fishing for compliments, but real, honest-to-god, internal self-sufficiency, and a new clarity in how I look at myself professionally.

So now we begin.

Lesson of this post: No one owes you anything, and that's GOOD. If you didn't have to earn it, it wouldn't be worth anything.